A prayer for us to bloom, even when it all feels too much.

Before I go on — sharing tender reflections on my experience as a survivor of domestic violence and the healing that's occuring. Please take care of your heart as needed.

In recent years, I’ve found language for something my body has always known: I am a survivor of domestic violence. It started, for me, when I was in my mama’s womb. She endured more from my father before then I’m sure. My family and I went through a lot, physical, emotional abuse, consistent put down’s, shaming and other awful things that I won’t share to protect the privacy of my family. I share this today because I have been through some deep triggers, emotional waves, some clarity, and a lot of healing on this journey of working on my childhood trauma. And I find that in this climate of what’s going on in the world it is a reason some of us are more affected as well. Or why when we see stories or things happening in our communities that don’t seem right, we are thrown back into a trauma state or emotional process. It was hard for me to grasp initially why when conflict arose with a partner, family or community, I would go into a deep emotional state of fear/shame/shock. All of a sudden that person would become my father, and the fear in me would be as if he was standing before me. We’ve been out of touch for over 8 years, yet the memory of his energy in the space can appear and haunt me as a child afraid of a monster in the dark.

The body holds so much of this memory, chronically being in fight/flight/fawn or dis-regulated states it is hard to see what is in the present and what is the trauma wiring. My body deeply reacts, with chronic pain and flare ups and it takes me a while to get to the root. Recently, I had an experience of a safe container where I could cry because of the pain I was feeling. That opened up to layers of grief from not having had much space to be taken care of as a child. To also not being allowed to cry because it made others uncomfortable. Even my whimpers would trigger my parents and they’d shut down my natural response to free my emotions. I had been carrying the pain of so many of those moments that I needed to cry or move emotion but wasn’t allowed to. And then my body freed up, a weight was lifted, and again I’m reminded of how important it is for me to have that space to let go. Invitations for the nervous system to unravel.

I’ve been so grateful to the medicines of the Earth, the Maya healing, the plants and community for helping me release and shift so much of what I’ve been holding inside. So much emotion, fear, pain, grief, and old stories. I feel like this Rose that bloomed in my home in winter (in not the most ideal conditions). Despite it all, somehow, here I am — growing, healing, blooming in ways I never expected. I see it too in my friends and community. Proof that even in the harshest conditions, beauty still finds a way.

Despite it all, somehow, here I am — growing, healing, blooming in ways I never expected. Proof that even in the harshest conditions, beauty still finds a way.

Sometimes its so uncomfortable, raw, and I feel like a broken person that may never heal. I’m continuously choosing to take my power back, to accept that yes this happened in my path but it isn’t going to be my story. It was one of the seeds of my creation, and as someone on the healing path, something that I can draw a lot from to help others, that continues to expand my capacity to hold people’s deep grief, emotion and healing process.

I just felt called to share that much as an opening for what I’m seeing myself and other DV survivors going through. And a prayer for all of us to find the healing support we need to blossom and heal. To take our time, sometimes its too much to go too deep too fast (it has been for me), its okay to be human and disengage, watch some tv, etc. And also a re-framing that a lot of us don’t have it perfect, we are human, but we can also take care of one another.

From my heart to yours,

M<3